I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
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