my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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