operation harelip BJ is a go
Four minutes until I can fart!
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Randomize
