So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I want to be your penis for a week.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
