Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
