Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
