I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
