i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
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