The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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