I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I have feelings that need drinking.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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