Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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