I'll bet she douches with gravy.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize