I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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