I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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