i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Randomize
