i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
