yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
His nipple licking is glorious
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
