the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
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