I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Betty ford says i'm here all night
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
