my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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