OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
