It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
i need to put some appletini on your dick
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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