this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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