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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
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