Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
