Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
