I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
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