Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
