I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Randomize
