Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
