so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
