My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
