cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
