once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
God, I missed his penis.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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