rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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