is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
