So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
