The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
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