They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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