so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
