I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
