3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize
