Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
