Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
