I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
i think i just lost a toe
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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