You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Hippo gnu deer
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
