Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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