Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
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