I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
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