i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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