my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
FUCK WHALES
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
