Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Everyone says I win the strip club
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
