my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
